I Didn’t Love My USC Experience, But That’s Okay

@ springfest ‘24, what I called my graduation

by Lanie Brice ‘24

As a graduating senior, I have a real swirl of mixed feelings going into my last week of college. I’m excited about my future, despite its uncertainties. I’m ready to leave LA and spend more time back home with my family, who I’ve missed quite a bit over the last three years. I’m not particularly upset about leaving USC, but I have been grappling with a strange sadness over the last few weeks, less for what I’m leaving behind and more for what never happened. 

I transferred to USC my sophomore year into the music industry program at the Thornton School of Music. It felt like a total fluke that I’d gotten in. I was from a small town far away from any substantial music scene, had no connections to the music industry, and only had a music blog that I ran out of my bedroom to show my potential. Still, I was chosen, and the first time I set foot on a real college campus (because my first year was online due to COVID) was at USC. I truly thought the world had finally come together for me. 

I’d been the kid that dreamed about going to college since I was an eight-year-old. I didn’t have great experiences in grade school and spent high school in an online program where I missed out on milestones like prom and ultimately graduated as a fifteen-year-old. My mom, to get me through the rough patches of being a kid, would tell me about this mythical world called college and how much better it would be, and I held tight to that idea. Unfortunately, my own college experience didn’t realize those dreams of dynamic friend groups and fun events and intellectually stimulating classes tailored to my interests. I didn’t get my Sex Lives of College Girls friend groups, or any of their exciting campus antics. 

my first LA fridge

Having transferred, I didn’t get campus housing. I was dropped off in a studio apartment a mile from campus to live on my own for the first time without the scaffolding of the university or even any roommates to hold me up. I lugged groceries from Trader Joe’s home over the uneven sidewalks instead of going to the dining hall with my dorm-mates. I never had a meal plan, so I’ve only set foot in campus dining halls maybe twice. Even though every sophomore from my year had never been on USC’s campus prior to when I arrived because of the pandemic, had never experienced real college, I was still somehow the odd one out because of my transfer status. 

during move-in sophomore year

While everyone was busy with their suitmates in the first few weeks, I didn’t know where to try to make friends. With most of the club meetings and organized social events being late at night, I rarely went. I felt like an outsider in my classes, where, despite being in the music industry program, it didn’t seem like anyone had been a part of a fandom or really passionately cared about music at all – at least not the mainstream pop music fandom that raised me.

I didn’t grow up in LA or have any connections to people in the music industry, and I quickly learned that was rare in this program. The competitive edge that coursed through the classes knowing that very few of us would land the coveted jobs and internships that would allow us to stay in the industry made many of my peers view classmates as obstacles rather than potential friends. It might not surprise you that the two friends I made my first year ultimately transferred to different programs – one to Marshall and one to SCA. I would’ve decamped to Dornsife or Annenberg if it wouldn’t have cost me another year at USC and countless thousands of dollars. 

I spent a lot of that first year crying in my apartment feeling incredibly lonely and a bit cheated by the universe. This wasn’t what college was supposed to be. And I certainly wasn’t experiencing the warm, fuzzy, inclusive Trojan Family that USC loves to brag about. That year, I took matters into my own hands. I made a college experience for myself that I could look back on fondly. 

at my first ever soccer game

I discovered Trojans360, a remote job writing for this very student blog. Remote work I could do, and I loved writing more than anything. This role has kept me sane through my time at USC and offered me a small sliver of the campus community I hoped for. After a year, I became co-managing editor and got to take on increased responsibility. I also forged deeper connections with my fellow bloggers as I got to know them through editing their new articles every month. Then, I became the sole managing editor the next year and the job consumed even more of my life. This job is by far the best thing I’ve gotten from USC. 

Through working with my team of bloggers, I’ve felt a sense of community I never found in my cohort or through other extracurricular attempts. I’ve met amazing people from across the university and learned so much about the different experiences USC students have depending on their degree programs. I’ve spent countless hours pouring over blog posts and trying to make them the best, most helpful articles they can be for all of you. I’ve spent other hours talking about books and comparing university frustrations with the bloggers on Slack. I’m proud of the community that I’ve been able to find and help foster here.

the spread from when I threw a Midnights release party

I learned that I love mentoring writers and sharing what I’ve learned to help others grow. It made me realize that I want to pursue an MFA in creative writing to be able to teach writing at the college level (as well as continue growing as a writer myself). In that way, Trojans360 has shaped my career even more than my degree. Having to leave behind this blog and these people is what makes me saddest about leaving USC. 

Halsey @ the Hollywood Bowl

I also managed to do some incredible things with my short time in LA that go beyond USC. When I realized I wasn’t going to get the college experience I was after, I decided I could at least take advantage of being a fangirl in LA. I went to over 50 concerts in a year, most being cheap, tiny shows with artists I dredged up from the depths of Spotify and watched bloom into incredibly successful artists who broke into the mainstream. I got to speak to artists I deeply admired for my own blog and other outlets, both established like Lauv, James Bay, and Daya, and rising stars like Emei, Maisyn, and Dylan. I met some of my all time favorite artists after concerts and randomly in the crowds of other artists’ shows. I even got to go to concerts for free with press passes. I came to LA to be a music journalist, and even without the support of my program or a formal internship, I was going to live that out. 

Gracie Abrams @ the Roxy

I sat outside shows and pop up shops for hours playing Cards Against Humanity and having deep conversations with other girls I’d never met before that quickly formed a web of Instagram friends. I have some crazy stories that I’ll tell forever looking back on my wild fangirl in LA years. I took exploring LA and its music scene seriously, and it offered me a life of my own that I couldn’t have imagined before I arrived. I’ve seen every corner of the city, and I’m proud that I pushed myself to explore this giant, intimidating place all on my own.

outside the Harry’s House pop-up shop

I was complaining the other day that my college experience was another non-event in my life. I didn’t end up with a friend group or a best friend to come over and watch movies and bake brownies with. I didn’t meet my soulmate or go on a single date in LA. I didn’t end up wanting to pursue a career in the industry I got my degree in after plenty of classes and a few internships made me get real with myself that all I’ve ever wanted to do is write – absolutely any kind of writing. But writing this essay has made me realize my original complaint isn’t entirely true.

after the 1975 show I went to with some classmates I hardly knew

I am leaving USC with a completely different idea of my life path than when I started. I’m also leaving with a new sense of self. I’ve always been independent, but I’ve had a lot of time to sit with myself over the last three years and face difficult, adult things without the support I was used to. While I wish it wasn’t such a lonely experience, I’ve learned that I can take on the world by myself, overcome my anxieties, and thrive without much metaphorical water. Everyone changes a lot between being newly 18 and nearly 21, but Los Angeles and my particular turn with USC has certainly played a role in the more confident, self-assured person I’ve become.

Venice!

I’ll never know what it’s like to live in a dorm and eat three meals a day in the dining hall and have my life neatly contained within the campus gates. A part of me is sad to add to the list of quintessential social experiences I’ll never know firsthand, but another part of me knows that I’ve always been dedicated to walking my own path, even if it’s covered with thorns and fallen logs and is maybe the harder choice. If there’s one thing I learned growing up in Wyoming, it’s that difficult hikes build character, and this has been one long hike. 

So, for any other grads that don’t feel connected enough to the school to bother with graduation, who are feeling an odd sadness in their chest not for what they’re leaving behind but for the unrealized possibilities, who are ready for the chapter to close but unsure about what’s written in it, I want you to know that you’re most certainly not alone.

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